At last you've come to a very painful decision: as a family you have decided it's time put your mother in a facility.
You know she is not going to be very happy. She has watched her friends in "old age homes" and didn't like what she saw.
This has been one of your most difficult decisions: you feel you are abandoning her to strangers. Your guilt is overpowering! But it must be done and you have thought it out...long and hard before coming to this conclusion. Her care has become very strenuous and at times she won't cooperate. Also you know deep down inside that you don't have all the skills and equipment that would keep her more independent.
So where do you start looking for a suitable place?
You've also heard horror stories about some places, so you know you'll have to choose carefully. The place you choose will have to suit both of you. It's just as important for you to know someone cares for her as much as you do and for your mom to be happy there or else she'll want to leave: that will create more headaches and a lot of unhappiness!
Before coming to one of theses facilities. most people fear a real loss of independence and dignity, and have a fear of safety issues. As well, they feel they will be a burden to everyone and can't be themselves anymore. That they will have to make MAJOR CHANGES and they don't want to.
So you will have to find a place where independence is valued and protected. You can find all this out through the interview and tour process.
Remember there are different levels of care: from fairly independent living in condo-style units with little support, except housekeeping and meals, to full extended care facilities with total care. With patience and time you will find the suitable facility.
First, you must decide what you are looking for: what is most important to both of you. How independent is she? What is her level of activity? What does her condition allow her to do? If she is not very mobile and has early stages of dementia, she might be better off with more supervision: then independence isn't so great an issue, but her safety is.
Here is a questionnaire you might want to take with you as you start your search for this facility. This list gives you a good idea of things you can ask of the management. Study the list before you go and watch for some of the points listed here. Make notes as you tour.
On the tour ask about: (The answers should be yes, or at least to your satisfaction.)
Facility / Operations:
Does the facility give of a sense of happiness and caring? You'll sense it right away.
Does it smell "clean"?
Administrative issues: (The facility administration should welcome your participation and look to you for support and cooperation.)
Residents' Bill of Rights: get a copy and become familiar with the contents.
Cost of accommodation: how much is paid by health insurance and how much do you pay?
What level of care is available?
How many residents are there?
What is the visiting policy?
Is the facility accredited?
What are staff/management qualifications?
Is the staff trained in the latest concepts of care?
What administrative policies are you allowed to see?
What is the restraint policy? (Important)
Food/Mealtimes / Activities:
What are the mealtimes?
Is it relaxed or formal?
Can she make her own decisions as to breakfast in bed, mealtimes, snacks?
Can she come in her housecoat and have a leisurely morning?
If she has to have a special diet, how is it handled?
Can any of the family join her occasionally for meals?
Is she allowed to have her own furniture including fridge, chair, and cupboard?
Does the facility have an adult daycare program integrated with the community? (Gives extra activity opportunity.)
Can her pet visit?
Can she receive and make phone calls?
Health:
Can she keep her own doctors?
Can she have her own medications, including her own nutritional supplements?
How often is her case reviewed?
Can you participate?
Do you get notified of condition changes?
What level of "intervention" will she have?
When you finish this list of questions, you will have a really good idea of the facility, the staff, the equipment.
By this, you should be re-assured that her independence is well looked after and promoted. You will know of safety measures that will allow her to get around and the caring that is an authentic part the residence.
You will also be reassured that her identity will not be lost: that the mom you place here will be happy and busy, and safe as her condition allows.
You will realize that you made a wonderful decision when you visit and she can't wait for you to leave! She has so many things to do!
Karin Henderson is a nurse with a keen interest in helping others maintain or restore their health. She is a community college clinical instructor in a geriatric facility. The information she offers is from mainstream and current research.